Saturday, November 21, 2009

Man Up Your Thanksgiving

Though it rarely tops “Favorite Holiday” lists, Thanksgiving still has its fair share of perks aside from the obvious flaunting of American opulence.  Make the most of your only guaranteed Thursday holiday by manning it up.

Mental and Physical Preparation 

Often, people will limit their eating during the day in anticipation of the evening feast.  This is a flawed way of looking at Thanksgiving.  A man needs to be prepared for work when he sits down at the table.  Neglecting his nutrition all day will not make him able to consume more; if anything it will shrink his stomach so that it will take less food to fill him.  A man’s best course of action is to eat plenty of the one meat that hardly ever appears in a traditional American Thanksgiving:  bacon.


Our most American sport (sorry, Baseball) and our most American holiday (sorry, Flag Day) have been intertwined for over a century.  We would be remiss not to make mention of how crucial football is to any reasonable Thanksgiving celebration.  That said, giving tips on how to enjoy a football game could be an article unto itself.  So instead, here is one tip to live by in general:  at high school football games, no one likes the 25+ year old alumnus trying to pick up cheerleaders. 


Parades typically have too much in common with Broadway musicals to be considered manly.  Just skip it.  Either that or invent some sort of drinking game like, “Take a shot every time you see a fat guy in a sequined suit that might have fit him fifteen Thanksgivings ago.”


The best way to man up an already manly ritual is to turn it into a competition.  All of your relatives strong enough to participate should.  This leaves the grandparents (should there be any present) in charge of judging.  Begin with a weigh-in before dinner.  Take VERY PRECISE MEASUREMENTS, GRANDMA, as even a few ounces could determine a victory.  Enjoy the full meal including dessert, and weigh-in again before anyone gets a chance to digest.  The winner will be given the ______ Family Fatty Crown and a gift certificate to the restaurant of his/her choice, paid for by the losers.  Don’t forget to wash it all down with some...

Wild Turkey! 

101 Proof.  The preferred potent potable of Hunter S. Thompson.  Nothing makes pretending to be thankful for your awful life seem believable quite like “The Dirty Bird.”
So give thanks, eat up, take a tryptophan-induced nap, and be a man.

Brooksie Baby

1 comment:

Jordan Blakey said...

Nice post. I feel fat and drunk just reading it.